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One Year

Today is the one-year anniversary of ending my five and one-half year relationship with my narcissist ex. One year of choosing myself and sanity over chaos and confusion. I feel like I should be receiving a chip . Addicts will understand.   One year since I broke my own heart to save it. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very much like an addiction. Being a (clean) cocaine addict, I relate my dependency and love, for lack of a better word, for him like my addiction for drugs. It was so fun at first. It was amazing. I was on top of the world and if I started to question the sanity of what I was doing all I had to do was get a fix, release that flood of dopamine and endorphins, to convince myself the tough times are worth it. Until the bad times , the times of feeling like shit became longer and the high didn’t feel quite as good as it used to because you know it will kill you eventually if you do not stop . Like coke, it was fun until it wasn’t and by the time it isn’t ,
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That Time I Forgot Who I Am

August 2015     I learn I am in full remission from the cancer I have been fighting for a year. When I, on the happiest day of my life short of the day my son was born, told the man I had been in a relationship with for three years I was in remission his response was, "Good, maybe now you can start doing more around here. I'm glad because I was getting really tired and a little disgusted by the sickness." It hadn't been the romance of the century but I had thought we were at least friends. The next morning I left. September 2015 I wrote: If I ever decide to be in a relationship again, this has to be my boundary list.    I have thought long and hard about every serious relationship I have been in (very few by what most people would count) and although I was abused differently in all of them, there were red flags they (ALL**) had in common. Red flags I CANNOT ever ignore again because I really don’t know if I can emotionally survive another abusive relationship.    
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