One Year

Today is the one-year anniversary of ending my five and one-half year relationship with my narcissist ex. One year of choosing myself and sanity over chaos and confusion. I feel like I should be receiving a chip. Addicts will understand.  

One year since I broke my own heart to save it. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very much like an addiction. Being a (clean) cocaine addict, I relate my dependency and love, for lack of a better word, for him like my addiction for drugs. It was so fun at first. It was amazing. I was on top of the world and if I started to question the sanity of what I was doing all I had to do was get a fix, release that flood of dopamine and endorphins, to convince myself the tough times are worth it. Until the bad times, the times of feeling like shit became longer and the high didn’t feel quite as good as it used to because you know it will kill you eventually if you do not stop. Like coke, it was fun until it wasn’t and by the time it isn’t, walking away isn’t easy.  

The withdrawal was painful like I cannot express. If you have been there, you know. Until one year ago, had anyone asked me what the most demanding thing I have ever done was, I would have said quitting cocaine use. The most gut-wrenching thing I have ever done is quitting a relationship when every part of myself begged me not to. Like quitting any drug, choosing not to have contact with him is something I must consciously do every day, sometimes several times a day, sometimes several times an hour. I tell myself, like I did when I was overcoming my coke addiction, “I will wait 5 minutes,” then after 5 minutes, I wait another 5, and another 5 until I get distracted and forget about him for an hour or three then I start my five minutes all over again. 

One year since I realized with heartbreaking clarity he will never change because he never did change. The person I met was not who he was. He had adopted the façade of a human with a level of caring he did not possess when we first met. The uncaring, cruel, heartless dirtbag I believed he become was who he had been all along. What still hurts the most is the clarity and the knowing. I know about trauma bonds. I know about hoovering, dog whistling, flying monkeys...all the terms and all the “why’s”. What hurts about it all is knowing while his love was never truly real, mine was and even knowing what I loved wasn’t true, it didn't make mine less.

 

So, here’s to one year down and the rest of my life to go. It’s not easy. It’s not always very fun. I still cry at least 4 days a week but four is less than seven so I have made progress. Brain fog, sadness, obsessing...all still a part of most days. I still feel like I am missing a part of myself but I know what I’m missing I can’t find in him because he is the reason I lost my sparkles in the first place.  

While the most hurtful part may be the clarity and knowing, it is also the best part. Knowing I have healed a lot from the shattered person I was a year ago. Knowing even though I will perhaps always feel as though I love him and will always miss him I will never have to experience that haywire world of never knowing from day to day what is happening. I will never have to experience the anxiety of not knowing if I am being lied to or if I am going crazy. I will never have to experience being treated like I’m easily discarded and forgettable by the person who claimed to love me more than anyone in the world the day before. Knowing that every moment of happiness isn't going to be punctuated by disaster is worth every tear. Knowing I can keep this peace I have found and the hope for truly being free and happy is now a possibility is the best part.